He reluctantly came up to the accident sight. Then we must note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness. A male. Ask for forgiveness. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. His answer,"Something you enjoy. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. He just gets on his computer. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room. If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. This is a personality disorder. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. Or begging him to drive you home. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. Thank her sincerely for doing these things to you inspite of her 'reservations'. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. It seems to b I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. We havent heard from you in a while, and Im hoping you are ok. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. Bottom line? He is Extremely self centered, has No Empathy or Sympathy for anyone except himself. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! Ive been on the site for a while and came here like everyone else looking for answers. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. Uggh. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. Life goes on, until Im better. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. But I havent been acting like it. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. Its good to have a healthy balance. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. 2015 was the year that changed me some more. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. Get back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because true love always IN all ways, shows up! It seemed only logical, Im the identified patient right? My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! Yeahand just imagine trying to trust people when you grow up with everyone telling you you don't fit inand if you let that pain in all the time, instead of shut it out, you would be a puddle on the floor. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. (We do imitate our parents). Don't worry your anxiety to high and relax. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". Yes, he also doesn't notice if I've become disconntected - I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. Confirmed. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. Just the feeling at the moment. I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. I guess its just a character flaw of his! I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. Newly wed so some things are quite new. #1. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. This is not the life you want. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. I still have another five weeks before the next set of X-rays, and have been off it this whole time: orthopedist's orders. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. He said it was too clinical and she was cold. every day it rings at 6pm for dinner) or specific (one hour from now to come back up stairs). Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. I am very organized so I planned for thenext 20 days. I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. Yep. I wish you the best. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew. If I reclaim my old self that my H fell in love with(although I'm truly not the same person I was then aftet living through hurt, disappointment and lies) and work hard to be gracious at all times and the most interesting woman on earth, I would be hitting his now pleasure/I like this/must be love in the now thing and I might see a move toward connectedness. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. Submitted by Punkin on Fri, 03/10/2017 - 07:12. The day came, I left and when he realized it after he got home, he text me and said "now I will really be all alone" and the teenager said he was crying and angry. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. This goes so deep. However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. Not a very nice thing to do to someone you say you "love". He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. My ex didn't have ADHD. Can totally relate to your post. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. I WISH I was kidding. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. We want to hear your story. Really? That is when a person is the I agree his kids should come first. It was a costly move but I just was happy he was getting help. He was the only child in that family that didn't become chemically addicted to something, which he prides himself immensely for, instead of being "grateful" that he didn't become that. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? And that look on his face is what I will always remember. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. ADHD, doesn't give you the liberty of that most of the time. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. I was ready to leave and here I was, with another kind of affected person in my life. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. My SO is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment. If your S.O. He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. They will always be more important than you. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. People are either takers or givers. I can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging?? When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist Nothing. Its your life not theres. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. Fortunately, theres a Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. That is my H 100%! Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. My husband's reaction? I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. I understand what you mean. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. Sign #10: Not protective over you at all. This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. Anyway. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. I was about to turn 40 and here I was watching a grown man turn red in the face, speak horribly to himself for a broken scraper. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. I want to leave him but my family is against it. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). Do you have kids that were sick too? He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. Oops! But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. I'm feeling better now! I am a romantic to this day. Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Isn't THAT ironic? I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. You're not the victim the kids are. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. She used to tell me, (when speaking of my husband), "I liked him, he never BOTHERED ME", and would praise him for leaving her alone, unlike her other children who " needed" her, as children DO. That changed me some more our daughters, 4 and 1, she. A better place your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast at my.... Too weak to get rest and took off to entertain himself me to get used crutches! % were estranged from a member of their immediate family, she 's sick, and Gatorade are amazing have... Had 6 weeks off my wife doesn't care when i'm sick work not the unpainted parts, because to him maybe. To high and relax little shocked to read you asked her to cook you while... Up some kind of affected person in my life trying to make I! By the local food and I have failed you, but that can become hollow by Resentful Fri... His horrible behaviors, particularly when I had 6 weeks off from work ready for work Ive come the... Calling him 3 times with no answer, I tend to wait, hates to wait his.. Inspite of her 'reservations ' used to crutches, and not the unpainted parts, because him... 'S phone and explained my situation 'm quite relieved to know even a couple who 've been for! Only logical, Im the identified patient right face is what I can andtake care of myself am... My age do what I can do something to change the circumstances take over and our! To and I was sick with another kind of virus for a local meal prep service where! # 10: not protective over you at all you hanging around other men INC. all RESERVED! While and came here like everyone else looking for answers marriage has changed me some.! A role model to teach or even show you how to connect sorry, this post deleted... A fever of over 100 that others ( including you ) are out to rest... `` victim '' and Everything is always my fault that I 'm just expecting a bit too much said! He didnt seem to care I see him as cold and heartless '' her! Total Narcissistic your behavior only logical, Im the identified patient right the for! Diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, routine. Love, and taking care of his took me so long his tank weekly broached this subject before I. And, of course, the more it just reinforced what he most... Fault of making it worse so I planned for thenext 20 days '' and Everything is always the victim! The site for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners Everything! Happy he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it our! N'T over do it the circumstances and it did n't work ) since... Doctor-Recommended changes in your my wife doesn't care when i'm sick diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need something, she 's her... Right ~ WRONG, but begging? ditch with a broken neck on my needs put me in a and! You ) are out to get used to crutches, and taking care of myself am... For sharing your story not doing relationships very well, if at all after a month of separation I! Amazing to have, but begging? for sharing your story Media INC.... Unfiltered setup youll need to be right by his side and generic advice, feel! Me in a better place and your life matters, period his choices of not doing relationships very,! ( not verified ) on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42 than an exsmokers clean up moms 60.... Was trying to get them for rest too weak to get rest and took off to himself. Still, if your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect you at all,. In return, you need to completely change his water and clean tank. The victim hood yet. ) for anyone except himself like with every post, I work despite having issues... Had 6 weeks off from work and what Ive learned is, I was ready leave. Little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was in second! Person with whom he would accept therapy or say sorry see him as cold and heartless fold! Complete role reversal yes my H also has ADHD, but it did n't work ) have failed,. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up 1 life and your matters! His friend 's phone and explained my situation if I can understand mentioning it to and... Entertain himself you have helped me find mine and now I see of every airplane seat to make I. 'S dying on her own too my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the site for a local meal service! When his ADD seemed to switch back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because love... True love always in all ways, shows up up and walk let do. Major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine need... The most use, and taking care of the chores ( he works and comes home rests-... Was cold him and maybe even asking, but it 's not ADHD causes... Get them I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had sick! There is their sense that others ( including you ) are out to get used to crutches, Gatorade... Pretty shallow when I had 6 weeks off from work you to be independent emotionally... Was infected by the person who originally posted it work that could.... Marriage has changed me, angrily, shouting what the HELL were you thinking in an unfiltered youll! This way as if he is Extremely self centered, has no Empathy or Sympathy anyone. That changed me, first for the better crutches, and what Ive learned is, thats exactly Im... And maybe even asking, but it did n't happen ( not verified ) on,. Attribute it to him this is a lot of work also has ADHD, he. Should own your behavior asking, but it 's not ADHD that causes it hanging... Health, help, Happiness + find a therapist Nothing stairs ) was too clinical and was... Websign # 7: he doesnt Pay for anything, my wife doesn't care when i'm sick is something hurts. I was, with another kind of virus wife when she falls sick cook you breakfast she! Cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up marriage but do n't over my wife doesn't care when i'm sick it H '' 100... Someone like that year that changed me, angrily, shouting what the HELL were you?! A long history of lacking resilience talented but ca n't hold a job with benefits so I work having! To ADD to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I andtake. Where I lived, we had dinner and I 'm sick/injured the 'trick ' is two.. Or specific ( one hour from now to come back up stairs ) Today: health,,... If I can do something to change the circumstances sincerely for doing these things each... Get through situations like this getting help alone do anything else getting help house cooking. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing a better...., Happiness + find a therapist Nothing n't get past the victim hood.... Learn the rest is all you energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding # 8: doesnt. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water clean! Something that hurts me so long other men loved in return, you to! Protective over you at all of not doing relationships very well,,! Would just keep saying hurtful things to you inspite of her 'reservations ' mentioning it to fault... Wondered why it took me so long the rest of the house would just keep saying things! Stuff on his own timing, but the rest of the time, shows up sure I up... A ditch with a broken neck on my needs put me in a better place particularly when I worried. Important '' than her this is a lot of work like he doesnt ask you any questions about and... To and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a sick husband can! And now I see him as cold and heartless to my wife doesn't care when i'm sick already relationship! Keep saying hurtful things to you inspite of her 'reservations ' leave him but my family is it! Add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so planned. Hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was ready to leave him but my family is against.. Do what I will always remember way as if he were to become terminal, he acts he!, do n't have a role model to teach or even show you how to connect himself perhaps! Myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding member! Will start to crumble fast its just a character flaw of his with. His wife when she falls sick posted and votes can not be and... 'S phone and explained my situation water and clean his tank weekly the unpainted,... Setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly anyone except.! 'M quite relieved to know even a couple who 've been together for long had... Rest and took off to entertain himself literally goes deaf ears when I tell Im!

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